A Survivor's Tale or L-I-F-E, Mixed Blessings

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/R._N._Taber

The only subjects at which I did well at school were English and History; it was, after all, a Technical High School, specialising – as its name suggests – in practical and scientific subjects at which I was next to useless. 

A hearing problem which was not diagnosed until my early 20’s didn’t help nor did my family moving house when I was still in my early teens, taking me away from all my friends.

Even so, I doubt whether I would have hated my schooldays any the less. I did not qualify for a university and moved from job to job for several years. Eventually, I did go to university and got the degree I needed to get a place at Library School to become a librarian, which I had set my heart on years earlier. 

I enjoyed Information work in public libraries for many years, although I was haunted by my sexuality still during the early years; in those days, gay folks were looked upon by most people in anything but a favourable light, to say the least. 

As regular readers know, I tried emigrating to Australia for all the wrong reasons; it was another failure. Then my mother died (1976), after which followed a bad nervous breakdown just a few years later that saw me on the dole for nearly four years. A charity organization then helped me return to work as a librarian, and the years that followed were mostly good years. I had told the world I was gay and made some good friends. 

Now retired and aged 75, I look back at my life with very mixed feelings. I never got to own my own house and my bank account has rarely been as healthy as I would have liked. On the other hand, I had Covid-19 symptoms in early January 2020, and did not need to go to hospital, and have been living with prostate cancer for ten years...

So… am I happy? Not really. Am I unhappy? Not really that either. I ask myself what I have done with my life and am none too happy with some of the answers mind-body-spirit feels inclined to give. 

On my last day at school, I confided in a teacher how awful an experience my schooldays had been, not least for my being a square peg in a round hole, to which he replied, “Well, Taber, at least you survived to tell the tale. And, believe me, the art of survival is probably the most valuable lesson in life anyone can learn. Life is full of ups and downs, learning to juggle with both will stand you in good stead, believe me.” 

So… has it all stood me in good stead? Well, yes and no. Do I have regrets? Yes, of course, and plenty of them. Do I wish I had never been born? Now and then, yes, but mostly I am as I have always been a Happy(ish) Bunny. 😉

A SURVIVOR’S TALE  or  L-I-F-E, MIXED BLESSINGS

Growing old, looking back
at life and love, pain and laughter,
all that got in the way
of the happy-ever-after ending
they promised, the tales
I devoured as a child so in awe
of the world as its fictions
would have it, beyond doors slamming
and windows misting over 

Growing old, looking back
at how far I’ve come, yet how little
any progress made
compared with hopes and dreams
of that younger self,
dead set on answering “Here!”
to the roll call of names
inspiring generations to make their mark,
on history, whatever it takes 

Growing old, left looking on
at a world to which I can barely relate
for all that has changed
by way of impacting our perspectives
on local communities,
for better or worse, richer or poorer,
no answering “Here!”
on any role-call of heroes, but happy enough
to have lived through it all 

I, Survivor, having learned my lesson well,
am still loving the learning, succeed or fail

 

Copyright R. N. Taber, 2021

[Note: I started writing up the blog about 10 years ago. Some readers may enjoy browsing the blog archives, accessible from the right hand side of any blog post.] RT